Season 3 | Blog 20
As parents I think we can fluctuate between doing the things our parents did when we were children and going in the opposite direction. I think of the mentality when I was a child that you had to eat everything on your plate before you left the table. I have memories of sitting at the table with liver on my plate not knowing how I would be able to eat it. There was no dog I could slip it to. It became a waiting game. I tried to be a bit more empathetic and expedite meals for my children, saying that they didn’t have to eat everything on their plate but if they left most of their meal there wouldn’t be any dessert or snacks (“dessert is not growing food”). I’m not sure if my children thought my approach was any better! What we do at home can stick with our children into later life. They may even end up parenting their children the way we parented them.
“And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9, NLT)
When it comes to parenting and faith, we may not have a lot of experience to draw on. Even if you grew up in a Christian home, that doesn’t mean that your parents prayed with you, did devotions, or talked about faith questions with you. It can be challenging to know what it means to live out faith at home and we wonder if our children are really “getting it” as far as faith and their relationship with Jesus goes.
The studies show that many youth leave their faith behind when they leave home for university/college or to work. Is there anything we can do that will give our children a deeper foundation in their faith? Are there ways we can help them choose following Jesus as a lifetime commitment and not just something they did when they were kids?
Yes there are! The Fuller Youth Institute has done a large study on youth and faith and they have come up with the term “sticky faith” to describe a faith that will last beyond adolescence. There are four key areas that they look at in their study. I’m going to talk about them briefly here but you can find the link below to check out their website for a fuller picture or consider ordering the book to read.
- Living it out together: While we need to model faith for our children each and every day, it’s also great to take our faith outside of the house and into our community. We can’t just talk about loving our neighbor with our children, we need to live it out as well. This can happen in a number of ways. Your family may want to serve together on a team or volunteer group through your church. Participating in opportunities for neighborhood events or generosity projects can be another way. Going on a mission trip together. Volunteering to be a leader in your children’s program at church or youth group. Being a part of a parachurch organization in your city, like a food bank or making meals for those in need. This is an important part of what it means to follow Jesus by loving others and making it a part of how your family lives out faith together is even better!
- Inter-generational relationships matter: Church community is one of the few places we have true intergenerational interactions on a regular basis. As our children participate in their church community, they are getting to know people of all ages and this is a great thing! According to their research, our children need at least 5 other adults in their lives who are invested in them and their spiritual growth: “we’re talking about five adults who know your kids’ names. Who pray for them. Who show up occasionally at your kids’ gymnastics meets or volleyball tournaments. Five adults whom you have vetted as safe and caring people who can form a web of support to catch your kids when they stumble and fall” (The Sticky Faith Guide to Your Family, pg. 98). As parents, we can intentionally ask others to take on this kind of role for our children. We can also seek ways that our church is providing mentoring groups and teams where our child is developing connections on a regular basis (maybe being on a serving team or volunteering regularly with groups). Our children need us to model faith at home but we’re not all they need. Having a network of other adults/mentors in their lives can help create a faith that will last beyond the time you directly influence them.
- Learning the whole gospel: To have sticky faith, our children need to have more than a simplified version of what it means to follow Jesus. It is more than just saying a prayer to ask Jesus into their heart and then taking the step of baptism. It is more than going to church on Sundays and praying before each meal. These things are a part of it but our children need to know that God doesn’t just want to be acknowledged every now and then – he wants to be Lord of their lives. That means that God has something to say about all areas of our lives. What we watch on YouTube, what we read, how we act with our friends, who our role models are, how we spend our money – all these and more come under our identity as followers of Jesus. If we teach our children that only some parts of their lives matter, they will have a disconnected understanding of their faith and will likely see it as hypocritical later in life. Our faith needs to be integrated in all areas of our lives. Sharing your faith journey and how God has been at work in your life, your struggles and ways that you are growing can be part of the “real” faith we want to impart.
- Being able to express doubts: I found this to be a fascinating point. As parents, we may cringe or shake with fear at some of the questions our children ask. Do we know all the answers – no! But that’s okay. It’s not about knowing all the answers but allowing space for questions to be asked. In the Fuller Youth Institute study they found “that young people who feel the freedom and have the opportunity to express their doubt have greater faith maturity than those who don’t. So doubt in and of itself isn’t necessarily dangerous. It’s unexpressed doubt that is most toxic” (pg. 132). It’s not about trying to convince our child or win an argument but exploring questions, fears, and doubts together. You’re allowed to say, “I don’t know the answer to that but why don’t we find out together?” This may be a great moment to grow in your faith as well as helping your child on their journey. You can schedule a time to talk with your pastor or youth leader, or pick up a book on the topic to read together. Maybe just being able to say the questions aloud is enough for your child and they are able to work some things out as they verbalize with you.
“I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—
stories we have heard and known,
stories our ancestors handed down to us.
We will not hide these truths from our children;
we will tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
about his power and his mighty wonders
For he issued his laws to Jacob;
he gave his instructions to Israel.
He commanded our ancestors
to teach them to their children,
so the next generation might know them—
even the children not yet born—
and they in turn will teach their own children.
So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.” (Psalm 78:3-7, NLT)
We can’t control our child’s faith and whether they will continue to follow Jesus for the rest of their lives. It’s a scary thought because we love them so much and don’t want to see them walk a life of pain and wandering. There are ways that we can encourage a maturing faith that can develop into a sticky faith, as I’ve mentioned. Ultimately though, our job as parents is to teach them, to the best of our ability, and entrust them to our Heavenly Father. We all walk winding roads in this journey of faith and as we look back, we can see how God was at work in our own lives. Trust that he will do the same for your children.
To read more on this, go to the Fuller Youth Institute website: https://fulleryouthinstitute.org/stickyfaith/parents
Check out this site on growing with your child in faith: https://growingwithbook.com/parent-resources/
Sarah has been Pastor of Children & Families at The Journey Church for seven years. Her passion is to see families growing in their faith with Jesus together and living it out in their homes, neighborhoods, and schools, as well as being deeply connected with their church family. To find out more about The Journey Church ministries go to onthejourney.ca. To contact Sarah you can email her at sarah@onthejourney.ca.