Back To School And Children’s Anxiety

Words From A Shepherd’s Heart Blog #10

“Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I
am overwhelmed by my troubles.” Psalm 55:1-2 (NLT)

It’s that special time of year – back to school! We want to do our best to prepare our children for the year ahead. My husband is a kindergarten teacher and says that preparing children by teaching them how to spell their name, knowing how to sit and listen to someone read them a story, knowing how to take turns with others as well as zipping up their jackets and slipping on their shoes (or tying them!) are all building blocks for a great start to school. For our older children we want to get as much information as we can on what day they start, what supplies they need, and having good lunch foods ready. But even when everyone is as prepared as they can be, there can still be anxiety with going to school.

Anxiety is a commonly felt emotion, one we’ve heard a lot about lately. It can lean toward excitement for some and closer to dread for others. Either way, your child may be experiencing a flood of emotions and you are noticing behaviours that erupt from those feelings. As parents, we can get caught up in these feelings as well!

I remember the year my second son started Kindergarten. It actually started the previous spring when I took him to the preparation day at his soon-to-be school. I had been talking with him about going to school and he had been going with me to drop off and pick up his older brother for two years at this point. He never seemed bothered by the idea of going to school but, I believe it was the day or two before the preparation day, he told me he wasn’t going, in a very matter-of-fact way. I proceeded to say it would be great and then left it. I had no idea that he was full of anxiety until I was getting him ready to walk over to the school. I helped him put on his boots and turned to get his jacket. Turning back I noticed his boots were off. That’s when it hit me, he’s digging in his heels about going to school – “Oh no!” my internal voice shouted as I tried to calmly get him to comply. Well, things didn’t go as planned and I ended up carrying my crying and screaming child all the way to the school (my arms were sore for several days afterward) and handed him over with many apologies to the teacher as I went to the parent session.

The following fall was not much better as I made eye contact with the teacher on duty in the mornings and said, “please hold him or he will run home after me,” walking quickly away with tears in my eyes as I heard his screeches. Oh the back-to-school (or first-time-to-school) fun!

I share that story to say that we can do our best to prepare our children and help them through these anxious and stressful times but in the end, we just have to walk with them through it the best we can. My son did eventually stop screaming each morning (after my husband promised him a quarter for every morning he didn’t fuss when I dropped him off…) but he continued to dislike going to school. The good news is that he has now graduated and actually had some good years throughout the whole experience!

One thing I’m not sure I did with my child was talk through his experience and how he felt about it. Learning to identify and label our emotions is not something we naturally do, we need someone to teach us (that goes for parents as well). Having a chart with different emojis showing various emotions (like this one) can be a helpful way to let our children identify and share how they are feeling on a given day. You then have an opportunity to talk about what made them feel this way.

An expression I’ve heard in this context is “if we can name it, we can tame it.” Being able to name what we are feeling and learning a bigger vocabulary for our emotions is the first step. Even noticing what is going on in our bodies – do we feel tight somewhere? Sick to our stomach? Have a neck ache or other ache? That is our body telling us something’s up (unless the flu bug is going around). Discovering if our child is feeling nervous or scared, unsettled, unsure, or shy about a situation and helping them express what is going on inside, is a way to teach them how to manage the anxiety they are experiencing. Then we can talk through what may be bothering them. We validate what they are feeling (emotions are not wrong) and let them know that they are not alone but then help them take ownership of their actions and what to do with those emotions.

Even though their circumstances may not change (yes, they still have to go to school…), talking it through can relieve the pressure they are feeling and really does help with managing or taming emotions so they are not overwhelmed by them. This is also a great time to talk with God about what they are feeling. We can share that Jesus experienced many emotions as well and he shared them – he told his disciples what he was feeling and he told God about it, too (his time in the Garden of Gethsemane is a great example). Jesus was fully human in his divinity. That means he experienced life, with all of its emotions, as we do. The Psalms are also full of emotional expression. In Psalm 55, the psalmist writes, “My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking” (vs 4-5). As we read passages like this, we can pray them with the psalmist and learn to express ourselves to God.

Consider reading a story like the one of Jesus and the disciples in the boat during a storm (Luke 8:22-25). Use a children’s Bible version for younger children or watch a version on YouTube (like this one). Talk about the different emotions the disciples would have felt. Ask what your child would feel if they were in the boat with them. Try to enter into the story with the sounds and sights and feelings (it would have been very wet and maybe cold, too, with a loud wind blowing!). Then picture what it was like when Jesus calmed the storm. Pause, soak it in, reflect on what it means that Jesus is always with us. Remind your child that Jesus is with them, wherever they are, and they can talk to him about what they are feeling.

As a parent, I often wrestle with the desire to have my children always be happy. I can dismiss their anxiety or sorrow and try to smooth it away. But by doing that, I am denying them a very real part of what it means to be human. We experience all emotions – ones that lift us up and others that weigh us down. When we as parents acknowledge this, we can help our children learn to identify and navigate their own range of emotions instead of seeing them as shameful or something to dismiss or ignore. Doing this will help them learn to deal with their anxiety now and for years to come.

This is our path toward healthier emotional selves and leading our children along the same path.

Other resources on navigating anxiety with your child:
10 tips on how to help your anxious child
Anxiety Canada Website for Parents

Watch for weekly vlogs this month from Pastor Sarah on this topic: onthejourney.ca and
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