Season 3 Blog 24
James 1:2-4 AMP
“Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]. And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.”
I think one of the most difficult things I’ve experienced as a parent is watching my children experience pain and difficulty. Whether it is the pain of a fall and needing a trip to the hospital, the pain of a sibling or friend being mean to them, or the difficulty of having to do something that is really hard – like an overwhelming homework assignment or having to own up to a wrong-doing. There are times I wonder if I feel more pain than they do!
I think this aversion to seeing my children experience difficult things has, at times, made me interrupt natural processes in life that could actually help them grow and mature. I do parts of the homework they should really do on their own. I restrict their exploration and play outside in case they fall again. I intervene too early in their argument with a sibling instead of letting them learn how to work it out. In the pain of the moment, it’s hard to look ahead to the benefit that this pain will bring them. It’s hard to understand, sometimes, my role as a parent when my child faces pain and difficulties. I just want to make it all go away!
The Bible talks about difficult circumstances, or trials, as a path toward maturity and becoming perfect – which is another way to say complete. I like how the Amplified version fleshes out the benefits of trials – spiritual maturity, inner peace, and a fully developed faith. We won’t just get these things automatically when we choose to follow Jesus – this is the “growing up” part of our faith. Trials are the way to this “perfection.”
God is our loving Heavenly Father and yet he allows pain in our lives. He doesn’t disrupt the journey needed for us to benefit and grow from painful experiences. This was also true in the life of Jesus – who was led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to be tempted, who had friends who abandoned and betrayed him, and who was given the task of suffering and dying on the cross. The death of Jesus led to his victory and life for us. He shows us what this path of suffering can lead to.
We have to experience our own deaths for this life to come about. We have to die to having control over everything and having things go our way. We have to die to our life turning out the way we always wanted or our children doing all we imagined they would. We have to die to the parts of ourselves that are selfish, self-interested, and unwilling to change. This is the Christian journey of becoming like Jesus; of being fully formed and spiritually mature. It’s not a path around these trials but through them.
And we can’t opt out. Our children are going to be shaped by this life – either for good or ill. Author and professor Robert Mulholland describes life this way: “Everyone is in a process of spiritual formation…We are being shaped into either the wholeness of the image of Christ or a horribly destructive caricature of that image, destructive not only to ourselves but also to others, for we inflict our brokenness upon them” (Invitation to a Journey, pp 27-28).
Our children are being formed – whether we are intentional about it or not. Some of the painful experiences they may be going through could be making them into people who are more compassionate, forgiving, patient, and kind. Disrupting, or trying to take away all of their pain could lead to them becoming more selfish, less resilient, and on a path that leads them farther away from God.
So what does this mean for everyday life? How do we parent our children through the difficult moments they will inevitably experience?
While God doesn’t always alleviate our suffering, as we want him to, he does promise to never leave us or abandon us in the midst of our suffering. We can remind our children (and ourselves) that God is with us. Through prayer, we can talk to God about how we feel and ask him for his perspective on what’s going on. As parents, we can allow God to be with us in our pain and teach our children how to do this as well. We can give them the message that God loves them and will never leave them.
We can be an encouraging presence for our children in their pain and suffering. While we cannot take it all away, we can be a presence in their lives that encourages them to persevere through painful circumstances and help them gain a new perspective on themselves and their experience.
We can learn to talk about our pain in healthy ways. This means learning how to express our emotions and having safe spaces to talk about them. As parents, we need places to talk with other adults about our pain. As we grow in being able to do this, we can lead our children to do the same. We can become a safe place for them to talk about their pain and gain new understanding from it.
We can stay connected with others. Going through painful experiences is much worse when we’re all alone. We need a community around us. As parents, we need this community for ourselves. Our children also need to witness and experience a community where we talk about the trials of life and how we experience God in the midst of them.
We are all being spiritually formed – being made “perfect” in Jesus. It is a lifelong journey and involves all sorts of experiences, including trials, difficulties, and pain. We don’t enjoy these things or ask God to give us more of them – we trust that God uses what is necessary to shape us and our children to be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Sarah has been Pastor of Children & Families at The Journey Church for seven years. Her passion is to see families growing in their faith with Jesus together and living it out in their homes, neighborhoods, and schools, as well as being deeply connected with their church family. To find out more about The Journey Church ministries go to onthejourney.ca. To contact Sarah you can email her at sarah@onthejourney.ca.