Blog #17: Words From A Shepherd’s Heart
“They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
and they prosper in all they do.” Psalm 1:3 New Living Translation
“Kids are so resilient” is a common phrase I hear when children come through a traumatizing or difficult experience and seem to just keep going. Yes, some children are resilient, but we can’t assume all are and there are some factors that play into that resiliency.
What is resilience? Here’s a great description: “Resilience involves being able to recover from difficulties or change—to function as well as before and then move forward. Many refer to this as “bouncing back” from difficulties or challenges…Resilient children tend to be empathic; that is, they can understand and sympathize with the feelings of others. They tend to be good communicators who are able to solve problems. They have a strong interest in school, and are dedicated to learning. They’re driven to achieve goals. They’re involved in meaningful activities. They’re hopeful about the future. They have a solid relationship with one or more adults. And they live in safe and well-functioning families and communities.”(1)
After reading that do you still think all children are resilient? I’m not so sure either. Mental health is tied to resiliency, or the lack of it. Resilient children may still experience mental health issues but it doesn’t impact them in the same way as those who aren’t.
I think of one of my boys who had extra challenges with his body’s development growing up. As a parent, I struggled with knowing how to parent him through this challenge and, really, wanting it to “go away” both for his sake and ours. I know that I did not always parent well during that season. Looking back, I see that he has a much greater capacity for empathy toward others. I have also learned more empathy toward other parents who may go through similar things. There are likely still wounds that he will need to process from that season of life, but he has been able to develop healthy relationships and still pursues trying new things. He has a positive outlook on life!
According to a Harvard University article on child development, children who are resilient have at least one committed, stable caregiver or adult relationship in their lives as well as a community of strong relationships. There are both biological factors and social factors that help them cope with adversity in their lives. Here are four key things that help them overcome the negative experiences of life:
- They have supportive adult relationships.
- They believe they are able to overcome the negative events and have some control of the outcome.
- They have experiences that help them become adaptive and regulate themselves.
- They have sources of “faith, hope, and cultural traditions.”(2)
The good news is, resiliency can be built into us at any age. We can help our children grow in resiliency and become adults who are able to thrive in life, regardless of the circumstances they experience in life.
I find the image in Psalm 1 to be a great one of resilience. The psalmist is pointing out that what we fill our minds with (and who we hang out with) impacts our lives – our thoughts are an important part of resiliency. Those who fill their minds with God’s view of life thrive and flourish like a tree that has a continual source of water. They “prosper in all they do.” That sounds like resilience to me!
Our child’s relationship with Jesus, with us, their parents, and with our church community, can be a foundation for resilience. We can encourage relationships that are healthy and life-giving to our children. We can also help them have a deeper understanding of how God made them and how God loves them.
In our relationship with them, we can encourage them to have a different perspective on the challenges they experience in life.
Here are some great affirmations I found on another blog post (3) that we can teach our children:
- You can do difficult things.
- Your opinions matter.
- You have a voice inside our home.
- You are loved just the way you are.
- There’s nothing you can say or do to change my love for you.
- You are not what you do.
- You’re a good kid.
- Having feelings – no matter how big or small – is normal.
- Your time and energy are invaluable.
- You don’t have to be perfect to be powerful.
- You are strong and confident even when you’re afraid.
- People’s opinions of you may change, but what God thinks of you never will.
Here are some things to “meditate” on with your child about God’s view of them:
- God loves you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
- God will personally go ahead of you. He will not fail you or abandon you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
- God delights in you. (Psalm 18:19; 37:23)
- Even if you make a mistake, God will hold you by the hand. (Psalm 37:24)
- God can calm your fears with his love, he sings joyful songs over you (Zepheniah 3:17)
- God is your shield, the power that saves you, and your place of safety (Psalm 18:2)
- God calls you his child (1 John 3:1)
- Jesus knows you and you can know him (John 10:14)
- Jesus cares about what you need and will provide for you (Matthew 6:31-32)
- Jesus will forgive you (over and over and over!) (1 John 1:9)
- You belong to Jesus (1 John 4:4)
- The Holy Spirit will never leave you (John 14:16)
- The Holy Spirit is your comforter, helper, encourager (John 14:16 – The word used to describe the Holy Spirit can be translated as Advocate, Comforter, Helper, Encourager)
Knowing these affirmations and truths about themselves and God will not take away the challenges and stresses of life but they will help your child know that they are not alone, they are able to come through these difficulties, and that they have a future and a hope. Let’s help our children grow and thrive through resiliency!
(2) Resilience
(3) Affirmations
Sarah Cogswell is Pastor of Children and Families at The Journey Church in Moncton, NB, Canada. She and her husband David have been married for 24 years and are parents to three amazing teenage/young adult boys. She spent 9 years caring for children in her home, and has hosted 18 international students throughout the years. She is currently working on her Master of Divinity through Acadia Divinity College and enjoys learning and experiencing ministry and faith all at the same time. You can contact Sarah by emailing sarah@onthejourney.ca.