Blog 12 Words From A Shepherd’s Heart
Parenting is challenging. It can be even more challenging when our children have characteristics that we don’t understand know how to parent well. I interviewed licensed counselling therapist Kerri Gaskin-Fowler to learn more about parenting children with ADHD. Kerri works with children, youth, and adults and works a lot with ADHD and executive functioning (want to know what that means? Read on!). It was an interesting and insightful conversation.
Sarah: What do we need to understand in the conversation around ADHD?
Kerri: ADHD is challenging for both those who have this characteristic and their families. It is a characteristic that is part of our brain function and affects our executive functioning skills. It impacts behavior, how tasks are done, interpersonal relationships, self-worth and self-value, starting and finishing tasks, impulsive behavior, etc… The ADHD brain functions differently.
Sarah: What does executive functioning mean?
Kerri: It is the set of mental skills that help us finish tasks such as working memory, emotional control, organization, etc… which help us learn to work and function everyday. When there is executive dysfunction it is difficult to learn because it’s a struggle to focus, handle difficult emotions, and make good choices.
The eight executive functions include:
- Self control – being able to stop and think before taking action.
- Self monitoring – the ability to view oneself externally and make self evaluation.
- Emotional control – being able to manage our feelings and complete tasks with all of these emotions.
- Flexibility – the ability to adapt to changing plans and revise plans and change strategies.
- Task initiation – getting started and finishing a task. People with ADHD can have analysis paralysis, struggling both with starting and completing a task.
- Organizational skills – the ability to develop systems and use them and keep track of things.
- Working memory – using the information we’ve received to complete a task.
- Planning and time management – creating the steps to reach a goal and completing a goal.
Sarah: We often assume that our children should be able to do all of these or at least be able to grow or develop progressively in them. Is there a uniqueness to each person with ADHD? Do they have certain functions that are more challenging than others?
Kerri: Yes, most of these functions will exist with each person but some will be more challenging than others. I also have ADHD and I have no problem with emotional regulation or flexibility but task initiation gets me every time. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve created systems that help me with this. Other family members have a different combination of strengths and struggles.
Sarah: What challenges do parents of children with diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD have?
Kerri: One of the challenges is around expectations. When we hold our baby/child for the first time, we’ve created a story for this child’s life in our head. First time parents often imagine they will have the perfect child who will never be disrespectful or disruptive but it’s not that easy! Children want to behave, to be seen, and to be loved. One of the things we can get stuck on as parents of children with ADHD is that the traditional parenting skills don’t seem to work. Timeouts, lectures, threats, consequences don’t seem to work with the ADHD child.
Most parents are good parents and they want to do well and do right by their child. But good may not be good enough. We need to create a peaceful and calm home environment with structure – this is really important. When our child is disregulated (as with emotional control), it is really hard to keep that calm environment. For example, if you need to get out of the door by a certain time but your child has sensory processing issues (which can be a coexisting condition with ADHD), it becomes a difference of priorities. Your child is struggling because they are having a problem finding the right socks but it is an issue with the parent because they want to get out the door on time, not understanding why the socks are such a big deal. But for the child this is a huge deal.
The situation escalates around the sense of urgency of time for the parent but around the urgency of comfort for the child (this sock will make me uncomfortable for the rest of the day and I won’t be able to focus on anything else). Now the child begins to shut down and the parents starts to give threats (taking away privileges, etc…). It becomes a really challenging situation. I hear about this a lot – the differences of priorities. The priority of the parents versus that of the child.
Sarah: This is very helpful to get an inside picture of what is going on. How would you counsel parents to enter into a different way of parenting?
Kerri: Firstly, parents need to get their own house in order. We need to be grounded, centered, calmed, regulated. We need to get our own stuff organized (internally), which can be challenging because we’re dealing with our own issues. Parents may also have ADHD, which can create a storm.
Practice the power of the pause. I do want to differentiate between a tantrum and a meltdown. A tantrum is motivated by manipulation. A meltdown is a complete disregulation that is not under the child’s control. They are two separate things. So when a child experiences a meltdown, parents need to practice a pause. Instead of trying to push the child to complete the task, as the parent, you need to step back and take a breath. It can feel impossible in the moment, especially with a time crunch, but taking a 30 second pause to breathe and step away may not substantially impact your day but may substantially impact your child. So take the pause and breathe.
I highly recommend 4-7-8 breathing. Inhale through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and exhale through the mouth for a count of 8. This helps activate the autonomic nervous system to help calm things down and the production of cortisol, the stress hormone, lowers our heart rate, slows down our breathing, which allows us to be in a better physiological state to deal with our child. It also gives us a moment to pause and think before we take the next step. It is so important because we know when we are in a state of urgency we can say things that we later regret and go into the shame cycle, wondering why we said that. So it’s a pause that can make a massive difference.
Sarah: I’m thinking of other ways that this pause can be applied in our life.
Kerri: I recommend it for everyone. In my practice I teach this technique all the time. It’s a good co-regulated breathing practice. As humans, we are created for connection. Co-regulation preexists self regulation. It happens in the womb with respiration. I’ll share a story with you. My husband helps with our equine practice and one day he was thinking about Philippians 4:7-8 which talks about the peace of God which passes all understanding. And I realized that when we take that breath, we are practicing that peace of God. The Holy Spirit was speaking to us right then and there, connecting the breathing practice of 4-7-8. It mirrors this scripture which talks about guarding our hearts and our minds and fixing our thoughts on what is honorable, right, and true. And when we think about the situation of a child being disruptive, we need to refocus our thoughts and remember that this child is a child of God and is perfect and we are blessed to steward them and parent them, so focusing on what is pure and good about this child with ADHD will help us parent them.
Sarah: How is faith a key component of parenting children with needs like ADHD?
Kerri: Modeling our faith is important. Looking at scripture around attentiveness and faithfulness in our tasks. So we need to model this first as parents (see Proverbs 6:6-8). Staying focused is hard, so we teach them Proverbs 12:11. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Modeling this may mean doing things like leaving the bowl of chips on the counter instead of eating them, or not muttering about other drivers on the road. These micro actions show Christ-like behavior that our children see more so than just talking about it with them. It’s the small things they see that they learn from. We spend time teaching and modeling, needing to become servant leaders. All children will experience emotional dysregulation and have struggles like this, not just those with ADHD.
In our house, my ADHD comes with anxiety which shows itself in short-temperedness. It’s not my most pleasant trait but I will own it. I read a meme that said, “if you had 24 hours left to live, what would you do?” People often have different wish list items like hopping on a plane to travel. But it ended with saying “Jesus knew and he washed feet.” It hit me really hard that this is what a servant’s heart looks like. So now when I start to get escalated or short-tempered, my 6 year old will say, “mommy, will you wash my feet?” We sit down and I wash her feet. In that moment of taking that pause, it allows me to be a servant, to be a steward, and to remember that this is my job – to nurture and support, to build up. Not to punish but to correct. To be in the moment of humility which can be so helpful for the child with ADHD. There is such harmony in that moment that it’s hard to stay disregulated.
Sarah: Wow, that’s a powerful illustration. It is easy as parents to get on a power trip or feel we need to stay in that place of control or else we’re failing, somehow. Do you have any thoughts on how the church can support families with children who have ADHD?
Kerri: Part of it is being informed and learning about ADHD. Knowledge is important. Being compassionate toward the family and child who may be running up and down the aisle through the service. It might not be that they are misbehaving but self-regulating. Stimming refers to personal stimulation to help regulate. This is shown by behaviors like rocking, bouncing a leg, I often have a pen or elastic to help with this. We can look at a family experiencing this and offer to help and; ask them what they need and how you can help. They may appreciate a family room where they can go and watch the service or for you to walk with their child in the welcome area. Asking instead of judging is important.
Sarah: Is there anything else you would like to share?
Kerri: ADHD requires a diagnosis. With children a diagnosis is done by a psychologist. It can show up differently in boys and girls; it has different gender manifestations. Diagnosis in women often happens later in life, in their 30s and 40s. They can be diagnosed with anxiety and depression when it is actually untreated ADHD. If you notice something that doesn’t seem right, ask the questions. Ask your doctor, counselor, or therapist. Some children require medication and others don’t. You need to be open to the resources and therapeutic tools available. (See resources below.)
The opportunities and possibilities are endless for the child with ADHD. They often have a creative curiosity and wonderful imagination. We need to look at the positives and see it as a superpower instead of a liability.
Recommended resources for families by Kerri Gaskin-Fowler:
ADDitude online magazine: https://www.additudemag.com/
CHADD: https://chadd.org/
Book for parents: Parenting a Child who has Intense Emotions by Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo: https://a.co/d/eFE0fI6
Book for children: Thriving with ADHD by Kelli Miller: https://a.co/d/5ivZxjA