Parenting In A Digital Age

Season 3 Blog 26 | Interview with Kerri Gaskin-Fowler LCT

How does digital media affect children?

Kerri: All media affects all people. But in developing brains, and the prefrontal cortex (I’m going to be a little geeky here for a minute) which is the rational, decision-making part of the brain, really isn’t fully developed until we’re about 25 years. The limbic system, which is the alarm system, the impulsivity part, is fully active (throughout childhood) which is why young people tend to be impulsive, take risks, and so on. 

If we look at digital media, it can mean so many things like TicTok, texting, Snapchat, Roadblocks, XBox with chat features, TV, and so on. When we look at how it affects our children and teens, it’s important to understand that those screens are everywhere. Our children are constantly being inundated by them. 

There are some aspects of digital media that can be really beneficial as we are exposed to new ideas, new contexts, realms of information that we had to go to the library and haul out the Encyclopedia Britannica to find. We can have a greater awareness of world events and things that are happening. We can have a greater sense of community in some ways. We can work remotely with other children from our class instead of being shipped around by our parents. Those are some of the good things. 

But there are negative side effects as well. These include inadequate sleep – we know that blue light influences our sleep and melatonin production. We know it can lead to delays in language and social skills development. There can be attention problems. There can be less time learning because there is more time on screens. And there can be less time engaging in human interaction and understanding social norms because of it. 

Digital media influences all of our children because it’s out there all the time and everywhere. Some of those influences can be very scary for parents. We talk about cyberbullying, we talk about online predators and sexting. All of these are scary, dangerous activities. As parents, guardians, and care providers, we want to know how to keep our children safe in this rapidly changing world.

You outlined that there are positive aspects as well as negative ones. I have heard that educational media can be beneficial and may not give the same negative impact. Is that true?

Kerri: It’s a yes and no answer. Any educational piece has its value as long as we are using it in moderation. We talked about just the physiological impact of screen time. Even educational tools like Duolingo, where we’re learning a new language, can have a negative impact depending on how much it is used.  While it does have positive benefits, like learning a new language, cook, and watching YouTube videos to rebuild your dirt bike, which are really great tools, too much time in these tools has the same negative impact. These negative impacts are sleep deprivation, disconnection from the world around us, losing time with community and family, inadequate sleep schedules because we’re really into something instead of sleeping. These are the downsides to even the educational pieces. I’m not downplaying the value of the educational side. It gives us access AND we need to moderate.

Thank you for differentiating this. I think we can sometimes think that because something is educational we don’t have to monitor it as much or that it won’t have as much of an impact.

Kerri: I think of it as when I was a little girl and I would stay up until 3 or 4 am reading a book under the covers with a flashlight. It wasn’t good for me to be up all hours reading. It’s not different in that regard.

As parents, what are some ways we can be good role models with digital media? What role do we have in this?

Kerri: That’s a hard one. As parents we have our phones, tablets, Zoom calls. Everyone, everywhere has a digital attachment. Parenting can feel harder because there’s so much to keep up with including monitoring our own use of media. Our kids are going to pick up on it. How many parents reading this are going to say, my child has said to me, ‘Can you put your phone down?’ 

If we’re taking our phone to the table, our children are picking up on this. If we’re in a conversation and instead of giving eye contact we are scrolling, our kids are going to pick up on that. If we never shut down or log off from our laptops, desktops, tablets, our kids are going to pick up on that. We are modeling the behavior. Children learn what they live from us. We are teaching them the irresponsible use of digital media and telling them it’s ok. We need to have good rules. If we have good behaviors ourselves, they will pick up on those as much as they will the bad behaviors. 

Do you know if there are recommendations for age-appropriate times where children should have limited or no exposure to media?

Kerri: There is a lot of speculation around what is appropriate. Some experts will say that there should be nothing before two years old. Some will say 18 months. Those who are saying this are talking about music and movement at the age of 18-24 months – watching a show like the Wiggles (I’m dating myself), something that gets a child moving or dancing. These are appropriate for about 30 minutes. There are ages and time limits but not before the toddler age.

Social media – Snapchat, Tic Tok, Instagram, Facebook, etc… minimum, minimum, minimum, 13 years old. Partly because of developmental needs. At the age of 13 children are starting to develop independence. A child can babysit at 12 years old. They have the opportunity for more responsibility. We can have better conversations with them about what is safe or unsafe. Whereas a child who is 9 or 10 may not have the capacity to understand unsafe behaviors and interactions online. 

Every family will have their own conversations about what is right for their own family. Our 13-year-old did not have Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram – but that is for our family. Every family will have their own expectations. The bottom line is to have the conversation. Why do you want this? What does it look like if you do have it? What are the rules around it? A really good rule is that the parents get to monitor. That can feel really uncomfortable for your teen and for you. This is about trust – we’re trusting that you’re not doing anything you’re not supposed to be. Every now and again we’re going to have to check. It’s awkward and uncomfortable but important.

Some parents may be wrestling with this. They may have allowed things at earlier ages than are recommended. Do you think once children have started, can they be taken off? What is a good approach to this?

Kerri: That’s a great question because if your child has been a YouTuber-child since they were two years (old) and you say, “now we’re done,” without any question, it can make it a taboo and incite more interest in it. Your child may be very attached to media and when it is taken away they may rebel a bit. The likes on social media can provide dopamine bumps and serotonin hits that your teen will be looking for elsewhere if it’s taken away. So we really need to be attentive to not just cutting any of it off completely but having the conversation – this is why we’re doing it, this is why we’re going to dial back the screen time. Even with social media at the age of 13, it should be limited to 30 minutes a day. We don’t realize how much information is being loaded into developing brains in a 30 minute period. It’s a lot of information. We need to titrate (measure/adjust) into using media and off using media to find the balance that works for your family. 

As we consider that our children are at an age that we can start to give them the freedom to go onto different forms of digital media, are there any other age appropriate restrictions we should consider?

Kerri: I think there is an element of knowing your own child. There are children and youth who would be very good at self regulation and navigating the internet. There are others who have less self regulation and will just explore. Having the conversations with your child is not restricted to a specific age but knowing your child. In conversation, encourage and teach your child to think critically about what they see on the screen. Ask them to really think about what they are looking at – does it seem real or accurate? Is everything online real or accurate? How do they know what is trustworthy? What do you look for? Have the conversations that help your child/youth understand that media of any variety is made by humans with opinions, perspectives, and their own ‘stuff’ (although now that we have AI there is a whole other area to consider). A lot of technology made by people is designed to collect data, so we need to help our children choose appropriately and with discernment (age-appropriate). 

There are parental controls we can use on media – for both android and apple products. It is appropriate for us to use parental controls for age settings. No matter how mature, intelligent, or discerning you believe your child to be, it is your role, as the parent/guardian, to monitor their behavior. Kids will make mistakes, intentionally and unintentionally. They are learning. This is the time that they are making mistakes and learning from them. We need to guide, manage, and revisit these conversations as our children age to give them a safe experience.

Each generation has their preferred apps/platforms for social media. Which ones should we be wary of for our children?

Kerri: My bias will show here. I really do believe that young people should not be on Tic Tok, Instagram, or Snapchat. Snapchat and Tik Tok in particular. Users believe that because they’ve deleted an image that it is gone. But anyone can screen shot. So there is a danger there. Part of the problem with Snapchat is streaks – sending photos back and forth in continuing streaks. There’s a social pressure to continue the streak. If a child doesn’t send something to continue the streak they can be ostracized by their peers or judged. So there’s that piece. 

TikTok, formerly called Musically, has a lot of dangerous information and dangerous challenges around body image, substance use, sexuality, relationships, and it’s unfiltered, ill-advised, and often completely wrong information. Because these young brains are taking it in without that discernment of age, education, experience, and maturity, it is dangerous for them. I have problems with Tik Tok for these reasons. 

Sarah: Is there anything else that you would like to expand on or that we haven’t covered that you think is important to talk about?

I think one area that parents don’t think of as problematic is online gaming. When children are playing XBox or Roadblocks, these games have a chat platform. While we may think our child is just playing a game, there is also a chat platform that leaves them open to bullying, predation, and luring. It’s something we also need to be mindful of. 

Even programs like YouTube Kids that we think are ok, have media created by bad actors that are scary, dangerous, and are designed to be harmful to children. We can’t just leave our children to do things on their own any more than we would allow them in traffic to play. We need to monitor, check in, and be aware for all of these things. It’s about safety.

Sarah has been Pastor of Children & Families at The Journey Church for seven years. Her passion is to see families growing in their faith with Jesus together and living it out in their homes, neighborhoods, and schools, as well as being deeply connected with their church family. To find out more about The Journey Church ministries go to onthejourney.ca. To contact Sarah you can email her at sarah@onthejourney.ca.