S3 Blog 27: An interview with Lise Hudson
This month I had a great chat with Lise Hudson who works at Family and Early Childhood Anglophone East, Inc. She has a great wealth of experience in understanding how to parent children in the early years. Here’s our conversation.
Hi Lise, thank you for being with us. Can you tell us some of your background in early childhood development?
Lise: It’s been a long and winding road to get where I am today. Many years ago, I began a degree in psychology and then took a turn to complete a human service counselor course. With that I worked with adults who had mental health and developmental challenges. After a break to be home with my children for five years, I slowly worked on finishing my degree while being employed in the school system as an Educational Assistant for children in elementary years. During this time I also received additional training as an autism support worker through UNB, and worked with preschool children with autism as well. After completing my BA (29 years after beginning it – hence the long and winding road reference!), I started my current job with Family and Early Childhood, Inc. as a family educator where I spend my time with parents and their young children. I’ve been working in this role for over 10 years and I love the challenges and joys of helping parents with concerns they have regarding their children. Family & Early Childhood Inc. focuses on positive parenting, and as employees, we are constantly learning and receiving training to augment our knowledge base. One of the programs I was certified in was an infant attachment program where I coached parents of babies (6-12 months), who were already good parents, to improve their relationship with their children. It was life transformative for me to go through this learning – even helping me with my own adult children – as it helped focus attention off of the parent’s agenda, and onto the child – finding out their interests, and following their lead.
What are some insights you have learned about the early years of childhood from all of your education and experience?
Lise: One thing I have gleaned from the attachment research is that it’s really important to be present and engaged with our children. We adults always have a phone on us. Being able to put our phone down (even for five minutes) to focus attention on our child is so important. It means focusing on what they want, on what they need, and on what their interests are. We can learn so much from watching and engaging with our children. I’ve learned over the years that it’s easy to allow our busyness to take over and think that we don’t have time for our child. But it doesn’t always take a lot of time to give undivided attention to them. We can set a five minute timer (on our phone!) to give them that attention and follow what they are saying and what interests them. It gives our child the sense of being cared for and that they are important to us. It helps rebuild a child’s self esteem and helps guide them.
For parents who are unsure of what that looks like, what kinds of things can a parent do?
Lise: If you’re in the living room, get down on the floor with them. Have some of their favorite toys around and watch them play. Wait to be invited to join in. Let them lead the play. You don’t need to have too many toys around – just see what interests them. Or if you’re at a park, you’re not sitting on a bench looking at your phone but instead are going down the slide with them and playing with them. I’m almost 60 years old (yikes!) and I still go down the slide! It’s fun and you really build that relationship with your child. And really, this is what it’s all about – having a good relationship with your child. We want to have this relationship with them when they grow older. We want them to come to us with their problems. The hope is, if you are present and available for them in the small stuff, they will come to you for the big stuff. We want to have a relationship with them as parents and grandparents. This requires us to invest in the relationship when they are young.
One way that I am trying to be intentional with my older children is to pause my TV show or put down my phone when they come in the door and give them eye contact, greet them, and ask them a question or two about their day. I want to take those couple of minutes as a moment of connection.
Lise: You just named some of the five positives of attachment. 1. Getting on their level, 2. Getting face-to-face, 3. Having eye contact, 4. Following their lead, 5. Matching your mood to their mood. Those are all great things to do to keep your relationship strong.
What are some tips you would have for parents as they navigate parenting children in the early years?
Lise: One thing that has guided me all of my life I learned after my first child was born. I was in the hospital and a friend, Dr. Stephen Dempster, came to see us and greet our new baby. He quoted the scripture that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Having an overarching love is so important. It’s true that as parents we all make mistakes but as long as we show love, that is what’s most important. However, beyond this we also need strategies, tips & tricks, and community support, to help when we get frustrated and don’t know what to do. Getting support from other people – mentors, peers, others who have been there – is so important. I really believe that parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. I used to think I would be the best parent… until I had my own children! So admitting that we need help is ok. We think parenting is supposed to be natural, but it is really hard work. There are many great books and resources available to help us. Don’t be afraid to use them or to find a mentor.
At my work, we promote positive parenting because we believe it maintains or restores a good relationship with our children. This is ultimately what every parent wants, I think. You can be punitive with your child but it may hurt your relationship in the long run. Looking for ways to have positive strategies can help. You can Google “positive parenting” to find strategies. Some of these include setting reasonable limits, giving limited choices, having house rules that everyone follows, and having times of celebration.
I was with a group of parents and we were reflecting on growing up with the idea that the word discipline in the Bible was usually interpreted as punishment instead of training. I appreciate these ideas of setting limits and creating household rules. Do you have more ideas on good training principles for our children that help protect them as well as following household rules? As parents, we usually default to what we grew up with, which may include more punishment than training. Are there strategies we can use to do things differently? Ways we can direct our children?
Lise: It’s important to remember that with children we need to have reasonable expectations. For example, asking a three-year-old to pick up all of their toys is not a reasonable expectation. Instead, ask them to pick them up with you. Make it a game, make it fun. Most of us are more likely to learn when something is interesting, when we’re having fun, and when we’re enjoying it. Teaching our children means providing opportunities for them to make mistakes but learn.
One mistake I used to do when my children were young was to take away a toy they were fighting over and put it up on top of the fridge for two weeks. That didn’t teach them to work out their problem. Now I teach parents to take the toy away for five minutes and then bring it back and discuss with their child, “what can we do differently with this?” This gives them the opportunity to practice and learn. We make mistakes all the time – that is how we learn (even as parents!). We need to realize that they will make mistakes and break things – that is part of childhood and growing up. We need to accept them and love them through these moments.
We want to remember that discipline is teaching. Punishment is not going to help us learn – we may learn what not to do, but we won’t necessarily learn what we can do. I’ve learned a lot over the years. I wish I had known these principles when I was parenting my children. (See the link to 5 steps to positive parenting below.)
As you were talking, I was thinking how often as parents we overreact because we are tired, frustrated, and are not managing our own emotions well. It spills out on our children. It’s important for us to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our children well.
Lise: Yes, that’s a huge part of parenting. Self care is important but also connecting with others. When my children were young I read a book titled, “Just Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Will Get Hurt” (by Karen Scalf Linamen). It talked about the challenges of being a mom. One takeaway for me was that if you have someone over to your house, don’t clean the house before they come. It’s unrealistic for you to have a clean house and young children! It’s like the Instagram of life – it’s not reality. I remember going to visit my sister-in-law when our children were small, (she had read the book as well) and she asked me if I had noticed she hadn’t cleaned up! It was great to have that deep understanding from another busy mom. Having spaces where you can be yourself is really important.
As a Christian and a grandmother – what are some things you would like to see happen in the church with our children?
Lise: I believe that nurturing and learning begins at home. That’s where it starts. That’s where our children spend most of their time. But I also believe that parents can support each other in small groups and in environments where they don’t judge each other. Being real with other parents is important. Any support group with like-minded concerns helps you know that you’re not alone. We have similar challenges and can share areas of strengths with each other.
As a church we can create a wider network of support. I’m glad to be in a place in my own life where I can help on the nursery team and provide parents that time to worship and connect with other parents. Giving them an hour break is important. I also appreciate the stringent training for childcare workers. I would have appreciated that as a parent – knowing that the helpers taking care of my children are following these kinds of policies and guidelines to protect my children. Children need to be loved and appreciated but also feel safe, and parents also need to know their children are safe.
Thank you Lise. I appreciate your time and wisdom! Are there ways parents can connect with you and your agency if they would like to participate in one of your parenting groups?
Lise: We can get referrals from many sources, but parents can also self-refer (see links below). If parents have concerns regarding their children for anything relative to development, toileting, feeding, special needs, discipline issues, sleep, etc…, we help parents navigate these things. We offer in-person and on-line parenting groups as well, such as Triple P (Positive Parenting Program), and Circle of Security Parenting.
Having small groups for parents in our church would be great as well. I recently read a book that would be great for a group, “How to talk so little kids will listen” by Joanna Faber and Julie King. This is meant for children ages 2 – 8 years old.
Here are a few links from Lise:
Family and Early Childhood Anglophone East
If you would like to know more about our moms group or how to get a parenting group together, please contact Pastor Sarah.
Sarah has been Pastor of Children & Families at The Journey Church for seven years. Her passion is to see families growing in their faith with Jesus together and living it out in their homes, neighborhoods, and schools, as well as being deeply connected with their church family. To find out more about The Journey Church ministries go to onthejourney.ca. To contact Sarah you can email her at sarah@onthejourney.ca.